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The Chinese Virgin Complex (According to a Blogger)
Jan 19, 2011eChinacities.comNot so long ago, women in China had to be virgins before being married off and her body remained the sole property of her husband for the rest of her life. A woman who did the unimaginable – sleeping with another man before marriage – was considered “tarnished” and disgraced. Although attitudes have changed considerably since the opening reforms, many men still carry the attitude that women should at least act and appear pure, and their partners’ previous sexual history is not talked about or even acknowledged. This attitude is often referred to as “the virgin complex”, and while it mainly refers to men’s attitudes towards women’s sexuality, it can also be used the other way round. The excerpt below is written by the same anonymous blogger who recently wrote about the different standards of beauty in the East and West on tianya.cn. Drawing on her experiences with her foreign boyfriend, this is what she has to say about “the virgin complex.”
First off, I don’t have any male virgin complex. I’ve spent a long time thinking about whether I can bear the thought of him having previously been with another woman, touching her intimately, skin on skin. The answer is: yes I can bear it. I also asked myself whether I would get angry thinking about their steamy love scene together. The answer: it’s all in the past – no I wouldn’t get angry. Am I too easy going?
As a result I started pondering about my boyfriend. Do foreigners really not care at all about virginity?
Me: “Darling, do you have a virgin complex?”
Boyfriend: “What’s a virgin complex?”
Me: “It’s when you like virgins.”
Boyfriend: “Why do you have to like virgins?”
Me: “Virgins are great; a sheet of white paper, totally pure.”
Boyfriend: “Oh, yeah. But non-virgins are also very pure. There’s nothing wrong with them.”
Me: “Think about it: if your future wife slept with other men before, wouldn’t you feel unhappy about it?”
Boyfriend: “That wouldn’t be fair. I’ve also slept with other women before.”
Me: “Fine, let’s put it this way: you like two women; one is a virgin, the other isn’t. Which one would you marry?”
Boyfriend: “The one who isn’t a virgin I suppose.”
Me: “???!!! Why?”
Boyfriend: “I’d be afraid she’d think we’re not on equal terms. Later on she’d start feeling unhappy.”
I was thoroughly bowled over. How could I tell him that he’d completely missed the point? What had gotten into his brain? All I could do was tell him that many Chinese men like virgins and that traditionally in China, women who were sexually active before marriage were considered unchaste.
As soon as I started talking about Chinese traditions, his interest grew and he immediately started discussing the topic with me. He asked me whether Chinese men simply don’t even bring up the topic of sex or mention what their requirements are when they date women.
Trying to overcome my speechlessness, I managed to say, “It’s not like that…”
Very confused, my boyfriend asked, “So, ff they were to ask their girlfriends about their previous sexual history, would that mean they’d be tarnishing them? So basically, if women have been with other men they’re not pure, but the same doesn’t count for men? What kind of double standard is that?
(I was already regretting bringing up the topic with him). “The reality is that when a non-virgin girl goes out with a guy, the guy is going to think she’s worthless and deficient. (I used really ugly, sinful words, but it was just to describe the reality of things. It doesn’t represent my viewpoint).
At last, my boyfriend understood the deeper meaning of what I was trying to say. He suddenly got all serious and said something that left a deep impression on me.
Boyfriend: “Baby, why don’t you like disposable chopsticks?”
Me: “Because it’s a total waste of resources. After using them once, they’re just thrown away.”
Boyfriend: “Well then, how can you see women as disposable chopsticks? After they’re used by someone they become worthless and become nothing more than rubbish, is that it?
A good girl should be a diamond, pure and flawless when retrieved from the mine. After polishing over and over, the diamond sparkles and gleams and becomes ravishing to the eye.” (this phrase came from a netizen on tianya.cn)
After he said those words, I almost started bawling. Girls definitely have to have self respect and be strong. We’re not disposable chopsticks – we’re diamonds!
Continuing on the issue of virginity, he quietly asked me if we all bleed during our first time. I actually heard that a lot of people don’t. Well, at least not as extreme as the way it’s described in novels – a sea of red on the bed.
I started telling my boyfriend another traditional Chinese story … I told him that in ancient China, on the wedding night of newly married couples, a white handkerchief was placed on the bed. If she bled on it, then it showed that she was pure.
My boyfriend listened with great interest. I pushed him to tell me what his opinion on the subject is.
He said he has no opinion.
I told him that his lack of opinion is kind of symbol in itself and whether he knows it.
Boyfriend: “If I know myself that it’s her first time then that’s enough. If I see blood, then I’ll feel like I’ve committed a sin.” (What does that have to do with Christianity? He’s Christian.)
Me: “Seeing blood will make you know for sure.”
Boyfriend: There’s no need. Girls don’t have to bleed to pass the test. Men will have feelings.
Me: What feelings?
(The boyfriend laughs hysterically.)
Is he making fun of me … depressing. Fellow men, please explain!
Source: Tianya.cn
Related links
Foreign Men with Older Chinese Women: Six Reasons for the Relationship
Survey Probes Chinese Attitudes Towards Women’s Rights
The Four-Year Generation Gap: Boy Meets Girl
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The writer seems to have the typical GLL complex. She feels that Chinese are inferior and therefore must have a foreign boyfriend.
To educate her, she should take a survey of conservative evangelical and baptist (better yet, Mennonite or Huttorite) males in the USA. She would think that all White people in the US have the "American Virgin Complex" whereas all Chinese people living in California are so "Open and Modern". C'mon are the only Chinese men that she knows still living in small villages in the countryside? Or are since she's living in the City, is the only boyfriend that she can find, some foreigner that's come to China to "experience" Chinese girls.
Give it break, and try to find something more intelligent to write about!
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Not even close bub...You'd really be surprised at what most Chinese people still think even after the fact that they are westernized. I married a Chinese man and I have had this conversation with him as well, his younger family members, and many of my Chinese friends both male and female. They've all said the same thing, that a majority of Chinese MEN do 'prefer' not only that the girls they marry are virgins but also if they marry as her FIRST boyfriend. But again this is very close to older western reasons as well...such as his desire for superiority and his lack of confidence in his SKILL as a lover.
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You shouldn't pick a boy from the village then. Look REI, if you married a Russian guy, you might end up with a wife beating drunk, if you married an Indian you might get stoned to death. Maybe you would prefer a philandering Italian. Maybe one of 4 wives in an Arab marriage or 1 of many in Utah would be better. It's obvious to me that the author like to stereotype to pander to the mostly foreign male readers of this website.
The article could be easily re-written for "Arab Virgin Complex" , or Muslim, or Indian, or Japanese.... Most men naturally want their partners to appear snow white to their friends and relatives, and then be wild back home in the bedroom. Do you really think that American or British men really want to bring home to Mom a famous porn stars rather than the "girl next door" aka "possibly virgin territory".
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Well dear friend, I think that you involuntarily said it yourself that most Chinese men DO prefer it that their wifes only have been with them and listen to them as the "man in the house"
Your comment included:"C'mon are the only Chinese men that she knows still living in small villages in the countryside?"
I guess that at least 80+% of the Chinese population live in, grew up in, or have parents (with strong influence over them) that grew up in small enough villages/cities to have this kind of thinking, which is a whooooole lot of people!
Apparently you might not be one of those 10-15% others and I commend you for it!
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Thanks Chris,
I'm not even Chinese, but have many Chinese friends that I speak frankly with. I didn't want to use the bad analogy of a car, but REI did, so I just continued with it. Whether you're an European, Latin American, or Asian man, it doesn't matter. I'm sure that most would choose a used but well maintained Ferrari over a brand new Wuling minivan if they had the choice. (Feel free to substitute "Jessica Alba and Fat Ugly Old Virgin" if preferred")
Apologies for being so sarcastic, but I think that author of the article should be writing about the typical Saudi man (or maybe a Muslim Extremist Suicide Bomber headed to his reward from Allah of 70 virgins in heaven" rather than Chinese men. Maybe then she might make some sense.
Cheers
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thats true .... well say dude....
its makes no sense that my partner is virgin or not...
man and are equal by all aspect ..
my point is if a girl is virgin and she does not have feeling about her partner....is this ok ...??
on the another hand if a women have had sex before and she is totly loyal to his partner .....
which one is better.....................??
virgin or non virgin is out of concive.....rubbish and nothing.............
just one thing i want to point out .......just be loyal and trust your partner...nothing else matter a lot...
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Which is a better choice: Hypothetically, (1) Marry a virgin, who may not be faithful, upon marriage. Or (2) Marry a non-virgin, who upon marriage, stays faithful.
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Huh? There is a disturbing lack of logic in your argument. How did you arrive at these conclusions?
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It's simple...it's because her LACK of experience that may leave her wondering what else is out there. BUT I must admit that most virgins wouldn't go out and be unfaithful.
Think of it like a new car...
IF you buy a new car you don't just buy the first one you see right? You shop around, test drive a few and then make your investment.
But if you did buy the first one you saw instead of shopping around, but then you felt that it wasn't as good as you thought it would be. THEN you would start to rethink your decision and maybe go out test driving other cars to compare.
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Just my point. The author is only looking at one aspect of it. whether it be Chinese or not, it's natural to prefer a new car to a used car, but most would also prefer a used BMW to a new Wuling. So the author us just pissing on Chinese guys because she doesn't have any brothers... ;-p Imagine if she were in Afghanistan haha... and she thinks that China is still not so cosmopolitan. She should feel lucky that she gets to live in Shanghai or Beijing.
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Reminds me of an old joke:
A man is watching television while his wife is reading a ladies magazine. Suddenly, she gets up and with the rolled up magazine smacks him on the head.
He: "Hey! What was that for?"
She: "Thats for being a poor lover!"
The man, chastised, begins thinking. Suddenly, the takes the rolled up newspaper and smacks his wife on her bottom!
She:"Hey! Whats that for?"
He:"Thats for knowing the difference!".
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I would never consider marrying a non-virgin. I don't care what any non-Chinese person tells me. When a girl loses her virginity, she really does become emotionally bound to the man. So, marry a non-virgin? Never! In fact, it might be because most Western women aren't virgins when they marry that so many Western women eventually divorce their husbands. Marry a virgin, or prepare for a divorce; that's the way I see it.
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Don't become like the west where values are very immoral. 80% girls ar not virgins after 16 !!! .... Just to be 'cool'
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"80% girls ar not virgins after 16."
Okay. You've stated at proposed "statistic." Now, back it up with appropriate citation, please. If you can't, it becomes mere speculation and wishful thinking.
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i am 18 and will shortly turn 19 and am still a vergin who is dating a Chinese man (24yrs of age) . He wants to take me to China in 1-2 yrs and knows i am a vergin. He is so sure that i will be with him and vise versa that if i where to be with him int the future(in bed) without wedlock .. it would not be seen as bad. However they do prefere that their girlfriend be pure looking or presentable to his family. All in all it strictly depends on the indvidual's perspective on his girlfriend and how serious he believes the relationship to be.
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This is really old school thinking if you are from the US. and even more so if you are from Europe. Various cultures in the US, Mexican, Italian use to think like this about three or four generations ago. I believe her boyfreind's comments are right on the mark. Experience is better.
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This the same tradition in India, indian men expect to marry virgins and they themselves slaunder around countless women.
I believe in US, it`s a taboo to be a virgin after 16-18, in India & China it is still traditional, meaning pre-teens & teens grow up with the mentality to mate with the soul partner.
Ethical & moral values are fast changing as the east is now adapting western culture and the west towards yoga & kamasutra
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80 % of Chinese girls have sex when they reach their first year of college and those who do are getting younger.
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Interesting! Where do you get this stat from including those who have sex are getting younger?
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67% of the time, statistics are made up on the spot....or was it 55% of the time?
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no way,there are lots of virgins on campus and most of the girls in China have the traditional thinking which rooted in their soul!!!!
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Lack of worry!
Sophia Loren once said "Any girl who swears she is a virgin, has the right to swear!"
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Check what said about virgins last year. or the year before.
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Any man that wants virgins must be terrible in bed. Sex for virgins hurts(females). If a guy is actually looking for virgins he's one sick puppy. The woman will get little or no pleasure out of it and he knows it will hurt her. Sick thing to be attracted to. I prefer a woman who knows what she's doing and enjoys herself during sex. Would never date a virgin.
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