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Money Honey: The Cost of Dating in China
By Jessica A. Larson-Wang, eChinacities.com RepostOver the past week, a video has surfaced and made quite an impression on Chinese netizens. The subject? A woman from Shanghai throwing a fit in the middle of a car dealership, demanding her boyfriend buy her a car. The man claims that the car doesn’t “suit” her and the woman jumps into the car and starts driving it up and down the showroom, presumably threatening to simply drive the car off the lot, until the man finally gives in, pulls out his credit card, and buys the car for the woman. The video has sparked a lot of debate about Shanghainese women, and perhaps Chinese women in general. Is this attitude of entitlement really that prevalent? Why would the man give in to such childish behavior? What would possess a grown woman to throw a temper tantrum in a public place, no better than a three year old demanding her mother buy her candy at the checkout counter?
Photo: MK Media Productions
For many Chinese men, especially in the bigger cities, falling in love, finding a girlfriend and eventually getting married can be a huge financial strain. Chinese women have certain expectations of their men that, while are not completely unknown in the West, are often looked down upon. Behavior that an American or English man might consider “gold-digging” is often quite acceptable in Chinese society. When my husband, who is Chinese, and I started dating, he was at first a bit bothered by the fact that he would not be able to shower me with gifts, or later, when we got married, to buy me an apartment. These were not important to me and neither I nor any of my immediate peer group had ever chosen men based on the size of their wallets. I soon learned, however, from friends, that many of my Chinese male friends had experienced being dumped by girls for not ponying up gifts from the start. The girls expected to go out to eat every day and have their new boyfriend foot the bill, expected new cell phones, and expected gifts for their parents upon a visit home. One of my Chinese male friends put it to me bluntly that he could not afford a girlfriend right now, girlfriends were simply too expensive!
Photo:Jaye
Some of this, of course, is cultural. The feminist movement never hit China in the same way that it did the West, and many cultural ideas about gender roles are still quite traditional -- the man is the breadwinner, the woman the head of the household. While a wife may, and often does, work outside the home, her husband is supposed to be able to provide enough for the both of them. Parents encourage their daughters to choose a man with a good background, someone who can provide. Whereas, when I told my parents about my husband, they were first concerned with whether or not we were in love, and how he would treat me, most Chinese parents would first ask what the man’s job is, what is his level of education, where’s his hukou from, and what do his parents do. And while a woman might marry up, marry a man above her own social and economic status, a man almost never does so. In fact, this is such a cultural taboo that some parents caution daughters against earning higher graduate degrees, as a woman with a PhD is almost certainly limiting herself to a very small pool of men.
Photo: sanfamedia.com
While these things are to be expected in a society with very traditional gender roles, what explains the over the top behavior of the Shanghai woman in the car dealership? When did the idea of a man providing for his wife become perverted into a display of entitlement and greed that many claim exists in the women of China’s premier cities. Beijing’s TV station has been broadcasting a TV show recently in which a woman is lured away from the man of humble means who is obviously her soul-mate by a “boss,” a rich man who can give her son an education in a premier school, who can buy her anything she desires, and will leave his fortune to her when he dies. The media takes a mixed approach to this idea – the woman is shown as conflicted, and it is clear that she and the rich man are not a match made in heaven, yet her choices are portrayed as understandable and necessary. Although the show has not finished yet, so I can’t say what the final outcome will be, the underlying message seems to be that wealth is more important than happiness. And when so many, from parents to peers to media, are telling us that wealth should take precedence over happiness, is it any wonder that some women might, in the absence of happiness, simply choose more and more ostentatious displays of wealth? It is important, however, to understand that it is only relatively recently that this level of wealth is even attainable for all but the elite among the elite in Chinese society. For a generation only once removed from revolution and starvation, the rabid pursuit of wealth must seem like a great privilege, and it is not surprising that those who have not yet experienced generations of such wealth might have exaggerated ideas about its actual importance.
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wo! excellent article!
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well,thanks for all those reply..I am not against any person..and this is my personnal views ..
am infact an chinese with ancestorial home based in china I am not against any political view as i am not keen in any politics by nature...While I think it been an hypocirc when you look around the younger and couples are huging etc,etc around various parts of outer major city while they are back to their home land as angels due to the cutural beings.That is life...
I do appreciate the chinese cutural in many ways being an overseas chinese with parents from china and great great ancesterial rich history.
But what surprises me are...the large developments the chinese goverment has done as also fantastic...accept to improved more better to best....
Infact I enjoyed in many ways of visitng various parts of china with long friends or clients i had known off.
The Main issue being known to respect parents which has been thought to me.. no matter what cutural we are all in...but i think individual of raising an New family within an couples should be make their decision individual.
Although while i had chinese cutural knowledge being thought by my past parents..till date I respect still my long gone parents ..although they have come from china to oversea settlement ...while crossing the ocean and hills....with simple knowledge..."what ever you do during your marriage is staying together with happiness and decided by yourself"..SO i think this should be good for all those as it carried by me for the last 60 years...
At times when i travel around china.,the most common person i respected are the farmers..look around providing for millions while they are happy family together in good n bad times...while the young snorbs away...with shame...forgetting also their past parents hardship...
while looking for the "wealth" or "financial security" is everybody dreams being in this planet of earth of human survuve in good or bad time..hahaaha
Thanks for all your personnal comments received without any hard feeling.LIfe are short enjoyed the best of this planet Earth with with love to all nature and those new couples Good luck....hahaha
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At times when i travel around china.,the most common person i respected are the farmers..look around providing for millions while they are happy family together in good n bad times...while the young snorbs away...with shame...forgetting also their past parents hardship...
very good! Because most of Chinese look down upon farmers, the young people have to bare the discrimination from the surroundings.... upset
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well, very insightful writing. it is a phenomenon, but it already existed in the past, in present and wont goes away in the future. So, it's just a phenomenon that exists in the mass society. but it diversed in individuals. Don't look all the Chinese women this way, and I don't think the western world avoids this vulgarity.
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It is very true, everyone is individual, dont take the people as a whole, still there are many good chinese ladies go for the man only for LOVE.
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I have met a wonderful lady from China, and have been there twice last year. It is a great time in China but, I can see China is starting to become like America. The young kids don't think of love and happiness first, it is money, and the sad thing money will not bring happiness. Money and love never go good together. She should be to America this summer, with her son, he is a very good kid, and I will treat him like my son. Wish me luck I'm in love.
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I think if the word 'wealth' were substituded for the words 'financial security', you would see that things are still not so different in the west. The pattern is there, but not so strong perhpas. You don't have to look back too far in English literature either. For example, the Fosyte Saga. Soames' first wife was treated like chattle, and she only married him for security (lets face it, Soames is not very lovable). Soames' second wife married him because he could give her a child, and provide well financially her, and her child. I know middle aged couples in the UK who are unhappilly married, even having had affairs, who do not want to get divorced for reasons of security. This becomes more of an issue as people get further past the age of 50.
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I am from the west and I've lived in China for one year, now I'm returning. Some aspects of Chinese culture and tradition are wonderful and some are so terrible. My Chinese male friends often tell me that to find and attract and hold on to a Chinese Girlfriend is to expensive and they can't do it now and maybe never. I've been living in a smaller Chinese city nearer the interior of China. the problem does not seem to be limited to larger coastal cities but it is in many places. Even many of my friends wives have confided in me that they would never had married or would quickly leave their husband if serious financial trouble was to come their way. In my limited experience I've never heard off nor witnessed such an outlook from women. My experience is working or visiting more than 15 different countries. Communist,socialist and capitalist in both hemisphere's. I've been married and divorced twice. OH, OH you may be experiencing something here in Asia that is not as prevelant in other societies. Good Luck girls, gentlemen.
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love is not for sell !
if its tru love ! money or stuff will not matter.
d:) Beter to injoy life cos its short !
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I've been treated as a blank check by women here, in Korea and in the States when I was growing up and living there.
The answer is simple: If she's looking at you as a wallet. . .then, gentlemen, you look at her as a sex slave. Give me what I want from you when I want it, how I want it, where I want it as many times as I want it, and then I will give you gifts.
Simply put, if you want to behave like a high priced hooker, then men need to start treating women as high priced hookers.
As for the man in 上海, I have one question: Where is his spine?
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his spine is at the bank paying for that car ha ha ha ha ! I would have given her the boot ! shame that wench in public.. That's what will stop it
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" If she's looking at you as a wallet. . .then, gentlemen, you look at her as a sex slave. "
totally agree!!
i always wonder those girls ask car , house , money and gifts... what they got ?! what they can give to guys?if just be with them and sleep together , then high class hookers is much cheaper ...and at least they tell you the exact price in the beginning.
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Well it all depends on individual I just visited China some weeks back. I think they women are just like their folks else where. They all have one thing in common, on the other hand I think they are demanding.
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This is true, i heard it from many young men, if their parents don't buy him a house he wont be able to get a wife.... and the future in-laws will need to know how much money he has, car.... and much more.. love and loos has nothing to do with it... and they say most girls want expensive fun and gifts only... This is gona get more difficult for Chinese men as the girl/ boy ratio is against them, as Chinese only want this way is not far off from the way a hooker operate, i believe if you buy something its yours and you can do with it what you like.... Does girls want to be bought??
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From all the article i have been reading and to my point of view i feel that Fritz is right on his word because if you look deep into chinese girls behavor you will find out that all their mind is your wallet and your status... while, to me i feel that buying them is more better that getting marriede to then
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The women are the source of life. Its natural law to ensure the safety land security of a mother who is about to prepare to give birth of new life. I do not see any thing wrong in it at all. All the species they ensure and protect their infant and we human have more requirements in later age such as education. If a girl cares about the wallet of her partner comes from nature, that you can seen all over the world. The way of securing girls life after marriage in a society varies but it does it exists all over.
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SO the so called Source of life has a price tag? how the hell can she give birth with out the man? this is not the stone age, she needs a life partner as well..... what does she offer to the man (in exchange of gifts and money, house and the money her family wants?) to be a wife and mother is canceled out with the man giving her security in future, provider, father of her child and most important Love.... Wake up dear....before the Chinese men wake up and say....to hell wish a Chinese girl they too costly.. i don't need to pay for a wife specially one with demands and trying to rule my entire life, i will find a Western woman who want me for what i am and now what i have..
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I live in Qinhuangdao and this behavior seems to be common among women and also men,luckily i married a woman who is not like that and neither are her parents.It makes me sad to think that people think they are better than others,will this ever change?
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I agree. I am married and my wife is Chinese. I never felt that she has a greed of money. It is sad truth that Chinese girls are demanding and there is a lack of respect for love.
Both men and women have no respect for their love and family. Some women in China accepts the fake love of their bf or husband and enjoys the money. I do not think its bad.
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I am also fortunate in been married to a Chinese girl who has no greed. she loves me and money is the last thing on her mind.... we working t0ogether each day and have a good life. she accepts me with my mistakes, fussiness about Chinese foods, in fact im lucky to have her with all my hangups. but before her i met many girls and all of them even rich girls was just after money so i moved on..
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